The Day Before I Turned 30

The day before I turned 30 was a day that gave me insight into the way I had been living life for far too long. Maybe someone can relate, and so I share this story.

My husband and I dream of living in this small town just an hour away from our present residence. We are currently making the trip on a monthly basis to visit our dream location, and grab a shake from our favorite little corner store. 

In February the weather was unpredictable, so we kept putting off our monthly retreat. But the day before I turned 30 my husband had the day off and it seemed like a good time to go. The snow was suppose to be mild, at least when we were traveling, so it seemed like the weather would cooperate. 

Somehow we missed the news of high winds, or didn't think about the fields of snow that the wind would blow onto the road. As we got further away from the "city" and out to the rolling hills, we found ourselves in the middle of blowing snow. At first I thought it would pass quickly, but I soon realized it wasn't about to get better. We considered turning around but there was never a great spot to do so. By this time we had made our way into a train of cars traveling together. It felt safer to stay close and just keep going. 

A few times the winds brought up so much snow, we were completely encompassed in white. We couldn't see the road or car just a few feet in front of us. This only happened a few times for a few seconds, but I was terrified. After the first experience of being blinded by these snowy conditions, I was completely on edge. Every gust of snowy wind was the verge of reentering that terrifying place where I could not see. 

For the most part of the trip we were completely fine. Although the wind was blowing the snow, we could see just enough ahead of us, and the roads were actually in good condition. As long as we just stayed with the other travelers on this road and were careful, it was pretty simple to make it through to the other side. 

Of course I can only see that now, knowing we did make it to the other side, safe and sound. Over the course of the journey I was tense and afraid. Even when we could see. Even when there was no imminent danger, the mere fact that danger could blow in from out of nowhere, made the drive terribly unpleasant.

When we made it through the storm, to a clear road where we could see more that just a few car ahead, I let out a breath of relief and gratitude, and felt happy inside once more. And then it hit me. A revelation of sorts. I realized I had been living much of my recent life the same way I just lived through the stormy weather.

I had been living in a space where I couldn't see very far ahead. The personal storms of my life were blowing, and I didn't really know how things were going to go today let alone next week or next year. I didn't know if my storms would resolve or completely encompass me. And while I sometimes felt completely engulfed in my own personal struggles, it never lasted long, and I always came through. Still those experiences shook me, and left me on edge, just waiting, anticipating the next experience of overwhelm. I have lived unable to reach a full peace, even when I am quite safe.

The thing is, I am starting to believe that even when conditions are not ideal (for driving or in life) maybe I can still live in a state of peace. Maybe I can tap into the very present moment and not fear the unknown of what might come up ahead. Just live knowing that I can only do the next right thing. 

As long as we kept driving we could always see just enough in front of us that we were safe. Even when we were completely engulfed in snow we could see just ahead of us. And for those short moments that was even enough.

As I move into my 30's I come with the intention to settle into the peaceful present way of living. I want to create time and space to practice this way of being. I believe I can.

I think this real life experience was a mirror of myself. It allowed me to see me, and in a way allowed me to begin this new year of life with the intention to change. It was a gift for me from the universe. 

And for that I am thankful.