In the Quiet Heart is Hidden

"In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see."

Today it has been a year since Daniel and I decided that we wanted to start a family. I think it took a couple months of marriage to figure out that the only reason I was waiting to start a family was because of the social or worldly pressure to do so. I felt required by society to wait. When Daniel brought up the idea that maybe we should consider having children I was stunned. Didn't he know that we had only been married for 5 months and... you know... we needed to wait... for what? I knew I wanted to have a family and Daniel was totally with me. We were married. We could make this decision as a couple without regard to what society would have us do. It was kind of hard to overcome this mental barrier of what we desired and felt was good as a couple and my previous thoughts that I needed to wait for a certain amount of time. I soon overcame those mental barriers and was thrilled with the prospect of starting a family. In the beginning months of trying to have a baby it was so exciting. It made me so happy to imagine telling Daniel he would be a father and sharing our joy with our family. Since this was a very personal decision and Daniel and I are rather private people we did not let anyone know about this decision. Often people would tease us or ask when we were going to have a baby. I would always reply with "we'll see," thinking and hoping for a date in the near future when I could answer next July, September, December, March... 

In the beginning these questions were fine and to this day they still are because no one has any intent to bring up a subject that is hard for me in our current situation. Yet it is still hard for me to hear when are you going to have children because I cannot answer that question and I so desperately want to. 

Today it has been a year. If you would have told me a year ago that I would not even be pregnant at this time I would have been shocked. I never expected that it would take more than a year for us to have children. At this time I feel so much sorrow and heartache. So this morning when I woke up and came to terms that it has been a year the words "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" rung true in my heart. I have been extremely blessed in my life and I am so happy to be here in Pittsburgh and help Daniel accomplish his educational and professional goals. We are blessed to participate in so many good things while we are here and I really feel like there are so many good things to come for us, including a large family. So I will go forward, and continue to hope with all of my being that we will be blessed with children soon. But today I carry sorrow that people around me will not be able to see.

I have learned so much over that past year. First and foremost compassion. I am certain that the people I love dearly or those I come in contact with momentarily or in passing all have small or large sorrows that my eye can't see. Sorrows that weigh on their hearts. I hope that I can have compassion, that I will not do anything that will bring them down but that my actions can help them bear their burdens and lighten their load.

Second I have learned to have faith. One quote by Jeffery R. Holland that is my constant companion says 

"Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."

I really am trying to make an effort to just have faith in my Savior Jesus Christ and to live in a manner that I will be able to receive His blessings in His timetable.